Sometimes I think that positive self talk is a very important thing to do. I had a very rough weekend.  Actually, most of the weekend was lovely, but Sunday was a day that I’d like to forget.  There are long standing issues that I have been dealing with that involves others.  I realize that when there are issues that are between two people the responsibility is 50/50. I know that, and I am willing to take my 50% of the responsibility.  But I am not willing to take 100% of the responsibility.
I’ve spent a lot of time working through these very issues. A year ago, the same issue raised it’s ugly head. I was so stressed out that I was an emotional wreck. It was a good thing that I was not yet working in my current position — I was a mess. But, as most who read this blog know, I’m very much a proponent of counselling. I think it’s a healthy thing for people do to, and I think it’s important to work through any issues that exist — with outside help if needed. One doesn’t treat cancer by ignoring it, and relationship issues or childhood challenges that never get dealt with are serious and having someone to intentionally guide you through dealing with it can be very healing.  So I’ve spent the last year working through things with my counsellor, because I think I owe it to myself to be strong, healthy, self-reliant, whole and not held back by recent or longstanding issues.
Before starting this, the issues that have reared their ugly head would have sent me spinning. I would have been a writhing mess, in agony at the situation, and I would have taken the wrong words to my core. And I would have believed the false words that were spoken.  One thing that I’ve learned over this last year is that I need to counteract these painful, false words that are spoken with positive, strong, true words. Because words have impact on me. That’s the reality and I know that this impact that words can have over me is one key to why things are as serious as they are right now.
I know that the fact that words have power over me is part of who I am. It can be a good thing, in this case it’s a bad thing. I also have no control over how other people use words against me.  But, I do have control over me. How I respond to most people is very different now than in the past. And, how I respond is different depending on how much I value a person.  The challenge is, in this ugly situation, the other person is someone who I love and value a great deal. That means that in many ways I am at all times vulnerable in ways that I’m not with most people. In fact, I understand that because of this challenging situation, especially in the past, I haven’t made myself as vulnerable to others as I would like.  But, I’m learning that it is possible to be vulnerable to some, and those who are worthy of that vulnerability are sometimes the surprising ones.
But all these things are things that I have been thinking about and processing for the past year. That wall of self protection that I’ve built up since I was a child is knocked down and the rubble is gone. No more. Because I don’t need to hide who I am.  What other people think isn’t as important as what I think and if I am rejected then I am better off without.  It’s time to live my life and be out there rather than hiding behind walls of self-protection.
And I know that I need to counteract the attacks on who I am with positive words, good things that I know to be true about myself:
I am a strong, intelligent, independent woman. When I set a goal, I accomplish it. I am a planner.  I have a great deal of compassion for those around me and I try to support and build up rather than compete and tear down.  I am loyal and caring. I am full of love to give, and worthy to receive it.

And those  likes that were said to me yesterday? I know they’re not true. I know that the person who spoke them has a long-formed opinion of me based on what they believe, when really they have never taken the time to find out who I really am and their ideas are based simply on the fact that I am different than they are with my own opinions. Opinions that I am not ‘allowed’ to have because they are different from this person’s. I am pained by the words that were spoken, and I am battling to not let them affect me. To not re-build the wall that I’ve hidden behind for so many years.  I know why the words were spoken, I understand. But, it doesn’t make it right, and it just drives home how unknown I am to this person.  And that is regrettable, but the truth is, this person will probably always be a stranger to who I really am, because until this person is willing to take their 50% of the responsibility, nothing will change and our relationship will not improve. Over time, I am learning how to handle the situation so that I am not damaged, perhaps in time their opinion of me wont matter. That would be regrettable.
So I’m left with a decision, how to go forward. And I don’t know the answer to that. But for right now, I need to keep grabbing onto those words of encouragement from those who care about me and who support me, those positive self talk words I’ve mentioned and I need to refuse to listen to the lies that were spoken.
I am a strong, intelligent, independent woman. When I set a goal, I accomplish it. I am a planner.  I have a great deal of compassion for those around me and I try to support and build up rather than compete and tear down.  I am loyal and caring. I am full of love to give, and worthy to receive it.