I’m doing better; Feeling like myself, but feeling a bit fragile.  It’s not that I care about situations and the like, but I know that I can’t take anything more. So that means I am paying careful attention to what I do, where I go etc. Because I don’t want to put myself in an unsafe situation. I’m not talking about personal safety. I’m not a hermit and inappropriately afraid. I’m referring to situations of crap, hell, that I’ve been dealing with. I’m at a point where I don’t care. It’s not worth my time.  I’ve learned that the lost friend isn’t lost — I never had the friendship I thought. What is lost is my friendship. That friend can no longer count on my good will. I don’t hate, I don’t wish any bad: I just don’t care, don’t respect. I’ve lost nothing: I’ve gained truth. The lost friend, has lost greatly and doesn’t know it.
But whatever, after the crap I’ve gone through, issues that I need to post about eventually that I’m dealing with, and my grandma’s death, I am fragile. I badly need something, anything, good to happen. So I’m carefully deciding if I’m ready to go dancing. Right now I’m not. Right now I need to be in emotionally safe situations: time spent with real friends, new friends, running, caring for my health.  So last night I skipped a blues party to go out for drinks with friends.  It was great. I enjoyed it, got to know a friend of a friend a bit better (we’ve met a couple of times before).  Today I ran with my running group, had coffee and then ended up at a spontaneous lunch at a friend’s house. I wished I could stay longer – but I had a great time and I hope for more times like this with genuine good, solid, normal, interesting and smart people. But I was so tired after little sleep, running early, and going all day. So, I came home and passed out for a few hours on my couch.
Tonight I baked. I made my grandma’s carrot cake.  I’ll take photos once it’s finally ready — including the Easter Jelly Beans. I want to use to decorate the cake and add it to the carrot cake recipe page.   I also made some banana bread. It’s therapeutic to bake, and I’m trying to be productive to make things that I can freeze in preparation for the future.
And now, for the rest of the evening — what’s left of it — I’m going to get back to my spring cleaning. It’s also therapeutic to do spring cleaning. It feels like it’s something I can control. That’s good. Accomplishing something within my control. What a relief!