Today was a day when I realized I am starting to feel normal. My usual self.  I went to dance class and laughed and laughed and laughed. I managed to not nap (I tried, but couldn’t fall asleep, actually), got a few things done, laundry, dinner, dishes and then went to bal. I had so much fun. I felt more like myself than I’ve felt in a while.  I think as I process, and as I meet with my counsellor to deal with the core issues that I’m working through, I will feel more and more myself rather than this up and down thing permanently melancholic state I’ve been in.  I think it also helps that I have plans in place. I know what’s happening in the future and it will open more doors for me.  I’ve received confirmation that my plans are a go — I had a nagging concern, but it’s all sorted and I can now just continue to plan for the future. Details will work themselves out as time goes on.
I still have that raw pain that is manifesting itself, but that’s okay, I think it means I need to process the crux of things some more.  But this raw pain is what is allowing me to process, and I think it’s ultimately good. Dealing with the core will deal with the incidental.  And I know my counsellor will help more specifically with that. And that’s good.
I realized that the place that I’m at now parallels a place I was at a long time ago. 9 years ago a relationship ended badly with a guy I loved.  We ended up doing our degrees in the same lab. Yes, that’s right. Desks 8 feet apart, 40 hours/week at the same place. We had to learn to forgive each other. Trust each other. I had to learn to develop the strength to stand and be in the situation — I couldn’t be bitter, angry, and I couldn’t ignore him or cut him out of my life. It was impossible. I had to become a peacemaker.  I had to learn to forgive him for me.  I feel like I’m in the same situation. I’m not in the same place as I was then, in the sense that the guy 9 years ago, I would have married. I loved him. I’m not emotionally there, even if things are more complex than simple — I’m NOT emotionally there.  So I don’t mean to make comments that may cause my friends to jump to inappropriate conclusions regarding my current situation. The parallel is learning to forgive, be a peacemaker, begin to trust and allow whatever relationship is to develop, develop.    This ex moved on, married a former roommate of mine. I had to be around him or drop out of school. I had to learn to forgive him for the wounds and the hurt. Forgive him for the rejection and abandonment that I felt, and felt again when he did get together with my roommate.  Over time, we learned to be around each other. We learned to forgive, be friends, trust again.  Eventually, they became a valued pair of friends. We don’t see each other frequently these days, but we value each other. I was the first person to give their oldest son a bottle and if I ever meet a guy I fall in love with, they are among the people I would want to meet the guy and get their ‘stamp of approval’.  Reconciliation and healing is possible. I know, I’ve been there, done that. I do hate that I have to be there and do that again (the whiny WHY DO  HAVE TO GO DO THIS AGAIN — I’VE LEARNED THAT LESSON??), but I have practice.  If I can heal the crux with my counsellor I will be in a position to offer and accept real friendship on some level again.
I know it’s possible even if it means facing the reality that eventually this situation means I have to accept that moving on may be complete, I have felt the absolute worst, and this is not it.  I know that as I let reconciliation happen, I need to protect myself from being played, toxicity, I need to find those distractions that I need to make sure that my emotions are guarded and directed elsewhere so that I’m guarded and prepared. I realized that if I choose to sever ties, I would have to move away from dancing, and since I delight in dancing that’s not an option, just like it wasn’t before. So I face the realization that this situation is causing me to deal with core issues. That as I deal with the core issues I will find my emotional strength and the confidence that will project out to others so that I will hopefully find a distraction.  As all this happens I am learning more and more how to steel myself against the issues and the toxicity of the past. Hopefully in time fully normal will be reached more consistently, but it was a relief to feel it today.