When there is something to say to someone I find it difficult to be open. I’m very communicative, and am a very verbal person, but when I have to have a conversation that is not easy or may hurt someone I find it difficult to say what it is I have to say. It’s partly a self protection mechanism. I know I don’t like being vulnerable. I guess in my past I’ve had situations that make it difficult for me to be vulnerable.  When I need to share that I’m angry or hurt, I will share. But it sometimes takes time. Sometimes I need to take the time because I need to think about it.  I need to take the time to make sure it’s something ‘real’ and not just me being hormonal, or emotional.  Sometimes it takes a few days.  And sometimes I decide not to share. Like the situation where I’ve lost a valued friend.
I’ve stopped talking to most people about that. Certain friends, yes. But now it’s time not to share. Move on and just live. I don’t want to talk, don’t need to talk. Most of the time. But when I do I will talk.  I also have decided not to share what needs to be done to get my friendship back. This is one thing some may say I should. That it’s good communication. And it is. But the reality is, I don’t have the wherewithall to teach. I don’t want to teach. The basic ability to show someone that you value them, even at the most basic level shouldn’t be something that I need to outline in detail. So, I don’t share and I’m moving on and dealing with the loss of friendship.  And then the phone rings.
But there is other sharing that I’m thinking about. This sharing I need to do. And in this case it’s not about it being painful or upsetting for me, just that it’s sharing that I have to do with two people. I know I have to share some things that are on my mind, and I’m worried I’ll make things difficult for them, hurt them or make them concerned about things. And it’s nothing like that, it’s not meant to hurt or be painful for them. Yet I’m also concerned that if I don’t share it soon, that will also hurt them. It’s a dilema and I haven’t been sure how to resolve it. But it needs to be soon.