I’ve been dealing with realizing that what I had is truely lost. Not the rollercoaster, although I’m angry that yet again I have been taunted with a potential relationship with someone  who would have been good (and dealing with those consequences will come). No, not the rollercoaster, but the thing I’ve lost is that friend who helped me through family crisis, talked to me openly and honestly about his own life, who trusted me. That friend who valued me and who took care of me. Or so I thought. Now I don’t know if I believe we ever were close or if I was ever really valued.  My heart is sore because I am no longer trusted and I did nothing to break the trust.  I’ve tried to be normal, I resumed contact because I missed the pre-rollercoaster friend. On the surface I’m treated normally, but it’s not real. I can’t figure out how to unentangle myself from this rollercoaster guy who’s been nicknamed (by a good friend of mine) “Harvey Dent” because he truely has been two faced.  And I’m done. I realized it a few days ago, in the middle of the grocery store of all places, began to make my plans and it was confirmed tonight. I’ll never say never, but at this point I don’t plan on speaking with him again. Coolly polite, casual, stranger.  I don’t plan on telling him, there’s no point as he can’t talk and I’ll be putting myself into a situation where I’ll just be be hurt.  And I know that it’s time I value myself.
Exit strategies are important and I will know more tomorrow after my drinks with the person I was referring to in this post. After that I will explore exit strategies, leaving, and try to figure out how this affects me on a spiritual level, because for right now I’m quite seriously angry.  On the bright side, I have a distraction coming for a visit. Not someone I think will develop into someone serious, but someone who will treat me like I deserved to be treated: like gold rather than like dirt.  I will delight in it, enjoy it and move forward with my life and possibly implement plans to get the hell away from here.