Friday night, I talked rollercoaster boy into going to see Quantum of Solace.  The movie was good, and as people have mentioned, it is definitely recommended that you watch the first one before going — Casino Royale. I’d seen it a few times, including in the last few weeks so I was well set up to see the movie.  It was excellent, and exactly what I wanted. I could appreciate the character’s anger and frustration. It made me sad I am not in the shape I should be in because I would really like to kick some ass right now.  On our way back from the movie, I sneezed so hard that my diaphragm or my intercostal muscles tore or ‘popped’ again. So I may not be exactly at square one, but it’s a big step backward, or several steps. Breathing hurts, I don’t know how going for a run after work tomorrow will go, and yoga will be challenging but hopefully ultimately helpful.
Later on this weekend, I realized that the guy that has triggered a number of headspace challenges of recent months has put up huge walls of distrust against me. I don’t know why. I’m the same person and have not done anything that should have caused his distrust.  I know he’s aware that he does this. He’s commented on it in the past — that he puts up walls until he decides to let someone in.  Yet, he’s putting up walls against me, where walls did not exist in the past.  We’ve talked a few times. I know where he’s at. I’m protecting myself to the best of my ability, but I’m definitely vulnerable. But the thing is, we only talk if I bring it up.  He’s almost incapable of opening up to me, as I realized quite concretely this weekend.  This makes me sad, angry and frustrated.   Because once this works out of this flux, unless he flips and things go differently than I’m expecting, I’ve lost a friend.   Part of the reason I reconnected in December was because I missed my friend. The sad thing is, after realizing this weekend what I’ve realized, I still feel like I’m missing my friend, even with him around me.
So I need to figure out how to protect myself even more.  I’m leaning more and more towards leaving. It pains me because it feels again like I’m getting given a life choice that I, again, don’t want. I’m losing a friend, a potential relationship, my communities and all the good things about my life that I like.  So this week I will have the conversation I need to have with someone associated with all this, take the next step towards Toronto and see where my life takes me.  Because being in this place in my life really sucks and though I’ve got better equilibrium than I had last month, things are no different.