To be asked the question “Are you dating X??” 99% of the time, I don’t care if someone asks me that. If the context is right (as this one was) I don’t care.  But sometimes, it bugs me. I like it if the person has the guts to directly ask me the question to my face — anytime, ask me. I won’t necessarily give you details, but I wont lie to you.  Tonight, I didn’t mind because the person — who legitimately wouldn’t know and rather than assuming it makes sense to ask — the context of friends all together, and me — friends with the hosts but primarily friends with one person there — it would look like we’re dating.  But yet it also stirred up thoughts, emotions, headspace type things, because it hits close to home.
I can’t reiterate how much I am done with this phase of my life. So done.  There are just under 24 hours of 2008 to go. Last year this time I was running around getting ready for a party. This year I’m relaxing and thinking. Last year I spent the night with a huge bash at my house — a blues party for new years. This year I will spend it with friends. Last year I got up on New Years Day and did a 5k Resolution Run. This year I don’t know what my new years day will bring. Last Year’s new years party and new years day really did represent how I spent my time in 2008. Dancing and Running defined my time this past year.
2008 was, quite honestly, a year from hell. For those who may not know me who read this blog, you must think I am this mopey depressed woman. But I’m generally not. I started off trying to write highlights of this year. And I could hardly think of any:

• I ran my first full marathon
• I regained a measure of self confidence
• I danced and built friendships with people in Seattle
• One of my dearest friends got married

This year is a year that has been a year of breaking and as I think about the highlights all I can do is think of all the things I want to forget. There is a long list of lowlights, if you will.  But, to be honest, I don’t want to list them here. If this blog — or my old one — has been followed, you’d know the lowlights, or can guess them.  This is a year that I can only say that I am glad it’s over. I hope that New Years Eve and New Years Day will represent the good things of next year.
2009, I don’t know what it will bring. I hope it will be a year that will be defined by relationships. Continued improvement in the family situation, personally and friendships. I hope that this year will be a year of unexpected good transformations. Because when I write my thoughts about 2009 this time next year, I cannot, simply cannot be in this place this time next year. Not emotionally. Not living this same path that I have always been on. This path that I don’t want to be on — yet have no control to change.
The end of 2007 was the beginning of the breaking. The end of 2008 was the reminder of the final straw that broke me spiritually at the end of last year. My dear friend Jules described 2008 as the dark horse year. I agree wholeheartedly. Her year had the unexpected turning. It was tough in some ways, transformational but ended very well. Mine’s been unexpected, and very tough.
She just posted on her blog The darkhorse/wildcard year:   a usually little known contender (such as a racehorse) that makes an unexpectedly good showing/an unknown or unpredictable factor.

My year was definitely not expected. It was unknown and unpredictable. It was not a happy year. I am glad it is done.  My dear friend is usually right about these things. She’s called 2009 the good luck year.  I hope she’s right again. I need lots of good. I hope for a long list of highlights, not a long list of difficult things.  And most of all, I hope I can look at my life and not be in this position.
For the moment, I will work through this “last straw issue”. I’ve got a way to work through it. I will work through it and either that which has been in flux will be returned to a solid state that has been a part of me for many years, or the flux will be re-shaped into something different.  I hope the solid state will be returned, but I’m afraid I will be disappointed, yet again.  So I will work through the last straw and at the end of the project I will know.