I woke up this morning at 5:30am.  The volume on my clock radio was so low it was almost off, but it was loud enough that it registered with me when it turned on and I immediately started thinking again about much of what’s been on my mind this past week.  I slowly got up and got ready to go to the cabin. On my way there, after dealing with the non-contact lens errand (see my earlier post for that story) I made my way to the border where I got stuck in a 2.5 hour long line up. The message board was wrong – there’s a board on Highway 99 that gives the expected border wait times, and it was listed as less than an hour but that was way off.
Needless to say, I was grumpy and hungry and tired.  But I made it to the cabin eventually. I was so tired that I was ready for bed by 5pm. Fortunately being at the cabin means I can relax and do very little, so I had a bath and then dinner. This evening I’m just relaxing and thinking. Processing what’s gone on this last little while. Things are shifting in my life.  I wanted to write ‘I could be wrong…’ but in reality I know that I’m right.  Friendships are shifting and regardless of what directions they each shift I know that they will never be the way they were and, I can also safely say, they wont be as they are right this moment.
I see shifts in several areas of my life. Some things are not directly related to me and others are more personal.  I’ve mentioned several times recently that I find the unknown challenging.  I’ve often said in the past that I don’t like changes but that’s not true.  I am potentially pretty happy about some changes that could be on the horizon – those for myself and those less connect to me that I see arising.  But what I do realize is that while I may be happy with the changes that are on the horizon, I don’t enjoy the unknown.
In some ways today has been a day of a tiny bit of grieving.  The changes may be good, but what was, will never be again and because the future is not known I don’t yet know if those changes will be better than the past.  Because it’s unknown I’ve been going through a range of emotions: excitement, happiness, joy, confidence, sadness, anger, frustration and confusion.
So this weekend at the cabin is very needed.  It’s a time for me to process, relax, and find my joy so I’m ready for fun next weekend.  What I am starting to realize is that these feelings are normal in this uncertain time; it doesn’t mean that I’m really angry at the situation or at any particular person, and some of the feeling I have are not even directly related to these changes.  What it does mean is that I need to make sure to maintain my self confidence in this uncertain time, find that joy that I know is important and be courageous to take some risks.
One of the things on my mind lately also relates to church.  Most of those who know me who read this blog know that, though I don’t talk about church much here, it’s been a major part of my life for many years – with the exception of this past year.  I’m not going to go into the story of this past year – at least at the moment – but part of what I’m thinking about and part of the emotions of this past week involves this side of my life. I’ve missed it but haven’t felt ready to go back to my church (where I’m known). Right now, I’m still not sure I’m ready but being that I’m at the cabin, I do feel ready to visit a church that I don’t normally go to. No one there knows me, and I don’t have to explain things.  So tomorrow, part of this weekend of processing, I will go to a small chapel that’s here at the cabin.  I don’t know what it’ll bring but it’s a step that I am ready to take.  Maybe it will mean it’s time to go back to my church, but I need this ‘invisible’ church first before I know what’s next.
So for now those many emotions are swirling around and for right this second I’m going to set aside the harder emotions and smile with a positive outlook at the potential for the future. And with that on my mind I am going to go to sleep so that I can get up early for the first Sunday in a very long time.