I feel like I have had no end of frustration relating to carpooling lately. And I don’t know what to do about it. I remember the days when a boyfriend and I would go on road trips together. Sometimes just the two of us, sometimes there would be a group. But he had pretty strict rules about carpooling.
1. The driver of the car always filled up his car with gas at the nearest gas station to the driver’s house.
2. At the very end of the road trip, at the same gas station there was a fill-up
3. The cost of the gas in step 1 was at the driver’s expense, all other fill ups, including step 2 was split evenly among those in the car.
4. Everything was logged and calculated — km’s travelled, costs of the trip, costs of the food. All clear planned and above board, split evenly.
This meant that the while the driver bore the cost of the trip in terms of oil, wear and tear etc, they at least didn’t get screwed on the gas. This also was with the stipulation that other road trips used other vehicles at other times following the above rules. So it all balanced out and wasn’t a big deal.
So I go to Seattle often, and even since my road trip days with old boyfriend, I’ve tended to go on road trips fairly often. So how have I gone on road trips? I follow that guideline loosely. I don’t always fill up at the start, particularly if it’s to Seattle. Why? Because to Seattle I know how much the gasoline costs in my car for a round trip (around $60 or 1 full tank).  But, generally, I try to split the gasoline fairly among the people in the car. I’ve had some friends, who by choice don’t own a car, so on one road trip — to Kelowna, they paid the gas entirely out of appreciation for me taking them with me. They recognized that paying my gas was much cheaper than renting a car, using a coop car or owning their own car, and less stressful for them as they got to relax and enjoy the ride with little stress.
When I am a passenger in the car, I pay my fair share of gasoline and I always make sure to bring snacks for the trip. Sometimes I shop for road trip food, and other times I do a fair amount of baking.  The costs are variable, but hopefully even if I don’t spend a lot of money at the store, the costs of my time are present also. I do try to shop or bake when I’m the driver, and 99% of the time I do.  But regardless, I look at these things something that I do to help make the road trip more fun, helps with food for people and hopefully it is appreciated.
I have found it frustrating that there have been many times I’ve set up car pools, even smaller ones, such as to Abbotsford, and people don’t always offer to pay gas. In fact, I’m guilty of that too. I’ve forgotten. I know that I’ve generally gone with people who have come with me at other times, and I know I haven’t always been paid. Hopefully it has all balanced out.  So, I’m hoping that when I’ve forgotten, I haven’t generated any resentment in my friends. I know that we’re all hesitant to ask for money from each other, or to bring up the subject.
Here’s the thing I’ve found. People who don’t own cars generally have little idea of the costs of running a car. If one thinks of gas, maintenance, repairs, insurance, depreciation that increases along with the increased mileage, it’s huge. Then there’s also the inconvenience factor. Even if it’s not really out of the way, it can feel like it.
There was this one guy in my circle of friends, at one point, who constantly asked for rides home. He didn’t have a driver’s license (and in fact said ‘oh I don’t really feel the need for one) and he would assume that he could get a ride home — even if it was out of the driver’s way — and he’d not bother asking until it was too late to bus it home (he couldn’t afford a taxi). It frustrated all of us because we felt obligated to give him rides. He would expect to be driven 15 min out of the way to his house at times, never say thank you, never offer gas money and always just expect to be driven around. We all started saying no to him. And he was never invited when we went on road trips.
I have one friend, who I really appreciate, drives me to a particular dance every week (or every week that I go). It’s literally on the way for him to pick me up (IE he could drive past my house on the way there even if I didn’t go). I don’t pay him gas, per se, but I do appreciate it — so I try to bake for him, or help him out when he needs it. I’ve also given him a thank you gift of my homemade jam (which, given the cost of the berries and the cost of my time is probably way more expensive than any gas sharing money would be).
Here’s the thing. Seattle to Vancouver is around 500 km. For the round trip… This is more than a full tank of gas in the city for me, but about a full tank on the highway, if I’m lucky. This distance can be slightly less or slightly more, but that’s a good rough estimate. The current estimate for mileage cost that companies use right now is about $0.45/km.  This estimate includes all the factors I mentioned above — wear and tear etc. The nice thing is that for a one off road trip that’s work related, it doesn’t really affect the value of a car in the long run.  A regular thing though and $0.45/km and the owner of the car is not the winner…
But regardless, it’s not a ‘profit’ thing for the owner of the vehicle. So what would a round trip to Seattle be if we were to charge the people the real cost? Well 500km X $0.45/km = $225.00 for the vehicle.  In the case of the most recent trip, it probably would have been slightly less than that because the mileage was in the high 490’s, but it’s a close enough estimate.  For a carload of 5 people that would be about $45/person, for a carload of 3 people that’s $75.  So from my perspective, when I’m simply charged the price of gas for a trip to Seattle, I’m happy to pay my share of that. In fact, if I know that a friend’s car is more (bigger, SUV etc), I don’t let them swallow the extra gas costs, because I know very well that the real cost of going to Seattle is already getting swallowed up by that person.
So when a friend tosses me $20 and then later asks for some back because the one fill up that they saw was only $35 (and, to point out, we were still in Seattle at that point), I get pretty offended.  When we discuss the issue and they complain that they brought food and spent close to $20 on it and think that this means they’ve paid more than their share. I’m offended. During the drive, when they don’t even try to keep up a stream of chatter when it’s late and we’re tired to keep the driver awake, I’m annoyed. When during the argument, they express that they’re offended with me because I bought myself some snacks that the other person in the car also ate while I didn’t specifically ‘offer’ them some. I’m annoyed. In my perspective, road trip food is communal in the car. No ‘offering’ is needed. And besides, in this case, the said carpool-argument person was allergic to the stuff anyways and I knew it, so why would I offer it to them??
I’ve had carpool issues a lot recently, but this is one I’d never expected.  I’m pretty seriously concerned as this person was a good friend of mine. It’s their first time in the carpool with me (for this distance, they do ask for rides a lot, though), and it will be the last.  I’m also not happy with how argumentative, tried to pass the ‘blame’, and such, that they were. I felt attacked and like I needed to defend my position. I offered multiple times to give them the money back with the stipulation that carpooling is no longer an option. It’s no longer an option, with me, regardless.  It’s mean but now that I’ve seen their true colours, when they said ‘so we’re good’ when we had to agree to disagree, I said ‘not at the moment, I don’t feel very good’ but what was going through my head was that I’m not sure I want to remain close friends with them, they just don’t know how to treat people well.
It just feels like every time I turn around I’m being thrown more stresses with friends. I sometimes wonder why I even bother. I’m a little freaked out about the San Fran road trip, as a result, and I hope it doesn’t lead to the end of some friendships. Friendships that I greatly value.  I hope I’m wrong.