6am. Awake on a Saturday morning.  I am still smiling from last night, but I’m groggy from a serious lack of sleep…
Last night was a blues dance night and for the first time in probably 2 months, I genuinely had a great time.  I dragged myself there, but loved every minute of it. My dancing was chaotic but I had fun. I even felt like I was being asked to dance because the leads wanted to dance with me and not just because they’re my friends and they’re concerned and know how stressed out I’ve been about my personal life.  I had a memorable dance with a close friend of mine — I always enjoy dancing with him, but this one in particular made me go ‘wow’. I don’t remember the song, but I will remember the dance.
I left at 1am (this dance goes until 3am). I was happy to leave on a high note, with not a moment of frustration at the dance, but I was also sad to leave while I was in the middle of having fun dances.   But I had to go, because I had to get up around 6am today.
6am. Awake on a Saturday morning. I am still smiling from last night…
My automatic coffeemaker has brewed my coffee, and I take my breakfast and coffee onto my balcony. The sky is perfectly blue, not a cloud in sight. The weather has a cool warmth to it. The kind of weather that is nice, comfortable at that moment and speaks volumes about just how hot it’s going to get.
There is not a sound. Even the birds are sleeping in. No cars, no people. Nothing.  It is a moment of peace. I have time to reflect on last night, and how happy I am that I found something that I’d lost a few months ago.  I feel like myself again.  My smile isn’t forced, and I want to weep with the relief that, for a short moment at least, I am not carrying a heavy weight.
It is a morning of peace.  Slowly the coffee kicks in and my brain wakes up. I get dressed and begin to make final preparations for the exam.  As I putter about, accomplishing nothing at all, I cherish this moment. Not rushing off to work, or to a weekend morning run.  Soon my email ‘you’ve got mail’ sound rings, and the exam begins.
I work on the exam with the least stress I have ever had. As a perfectionist, that is saying quite a lot. This whole morning feels like a new beginning. I don’t know if this exam will lead to anything career-wise. I don’t know, yet, if I want it to. But today feels like the beginning of enjoying the ‘now’. My backup plans are in place, I don’t have to worry about “what if”.  Without trying I’ve got two “what if” options available to me.  Somehow this helps to make it easier to relax in the ‘now’ – where I work, what I’m doing.
Yes, I do wonder if anyone who knows me through work has found this blog. But I’m okay with that. In reading my blog I hope they see that I truly enjoy where I work, and that in building back up plans — without really trying on my part — I am protecting myself from going through another 18+ long long months of not working full time.  I still wont let search engines pull up this blog, but I do hope my friends, family and strangers who have found this blog will keep reading. I welcome you and I hope you leave comments, they make me smile.  As much as I dislike making myself vulnerable, perhaps this is an important step to take.
So I am still smiling after a morning of delight and beauty and I look towards an afternoon that may involve, beach, BBQ, bicycles, but definitely finding pleasure in the beginnings of summer.