It’s taken me a while to write this post as I’ve been dealing with school, my first clinical placement, projects, homework, essays, working part time and training for a marathon (as much as I can train).  Fortunately, the busy-ness means I have an outlet of distraction as I deal with the other more emotional sides of things.
I’ve briefly alluded to the distraction being done, and that’s been a bit difficult to deal with. I can’t really explain why, because I don’t know, other than to quote the title of a book that I detest (mostly because it’s harsh, doesn’t provide a solution, and it’s true) “He [was] just not that into me”.   He’s pretty much disappeared and I’ve been going through all sorts of emotions — frustration, sadness, anger, denial, acceptance.  The classics.  I’m getting to the point of acceptance more continuously. Perhaps if he ever calls me, I’ll be pleasant on the phone and be able to converse at a neutral level. I’ll think about that at the time, if it ever occurs.
For some self-reflection, I did get more emotionally involved than I would have liked. That scared me.  I’ve been realizing more and more lately that part of the reason I am where I am in my life is that I’m hesitant to trust, to open up. I don’t know how to bring up those tough conversations when it’s easy.  In some ways I’m again behind a wall I’ve been trying to get rid of — but it isn’t totally gone.  I’ve been thinking a lot about why do I find it so hard to open up when I’m in a non-platonic relationship? And I think it has to do with vulnerability.  Particularly in recent years, I’ve been wounded a lot when I’ve tried being vulnerable, particularly with family members.  That’s made me shut myself off and I don’t like opening up those difficult conversations. If they happen and I don’t have to be intentional about opening it, that’s fine.  But when I have to open myself up, be vulnerable, it scares me.  And when I’m stressed (as I am — see the opening of this post!), it’s even harder.
But what it means is I need to learn some tools, how to open myself up when it’s not scary, how to make it safe for me to open up, because hiding behind an emotional wall is not what I want!  So for now, I’m just going to carry on, thankful that I’m not on a rollercoaster of emotions and finish this term with strength (1 month to go until the term ends, exams and I get a BREAK! WEEE!!) and try to come up with ways that I can be more vulnerable before it gets to a point that scares me and develop tools that I can use so that I can achieve what I want in all areas of my life, not just my career.
For now though, I’m going to sleep hopeful that I’m not coming down with something. THAT would be terrible timing.