I have had an intense week. It’s late, I should be asleep but I also know that when I wake up in the morning final exam prep begins in greater ernest than before. This week I had a reflective journal entry due, a debate to do (and let me tell you I could post on group dynamics etc but I may save that for later– right now I’m thinking of different things), and this is the week where we’ve dealt a lot with communication techniques, theories, and discussions such as grief and loss.
We watched part of a movie called “Wit” and it’s certainly not one that’s easy to watch, and it certainly opened my eyes to both good and bad healthcare practice. Also, watching this woman die of a very aggressive form of cervical cancer was heart breaking, and stirred so many emotions. It’s definitely a movie I want to watch all the way through — when I have time. It’s not an easy movie but one that I think is important to watch.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoNDpg8IquA]
The other topic that impacted me was ‘grief and loss’.  We all know that entering nursing school means we will face grief, loss, death. In fact, in many ways I’m grieving the past freedom I had in my career. Now my time is school work, exercise and more school work. Oh and work too.    But beyond that, we dealt with grief in the context of our own lives.   It brought back the grief of my grandma passing away — which is natural as it’s only been 6 months (though it feels like an instant) and in many ways I’m still grieving her loss — as one could expect.   And, more surprisingly, I was reminded of the grief I felt for my other grandma’s loss — many years ago.  Her loss was long ago so it was not immediately intense, but that process of grieving was long, painful and one that I’ll never forget.  But the truth is, it’s important to address these things now, at school, so that we can be prepared as we enter the clinical setting where we will face death. I’m glad we spoke. Everyone had stories, experiences that gave them much wisdom and the environment was safe.
But it does mean that this week was intense , very intense.  It’s made my emotions a bit of a basket case this evening.  I have certain things I’d like to explore and experience. Sometimes, in my current situation I wonder if that will happen and I feel sad, confused, uncertain.  In the normal day to day, I don’t feel sad, confused or uncertain (at least most of the time), but right now I do. It’s just a response to the intensity of this week. I know this (oh and excuse the vagueness — public blog and all that).  This comes to the forefront of my mind right now because of a conversation I had with a friend of mine this evening.   The things I’d like to experience? She’s having that chance right now.  In fact, it seems that most of my friends are.  I’m so happy for them, 100%.  But for the moment, I need to be selfish and say that I wish my current situation was slightly different. Reality is though, my current situation is probably for the best, but I can still wish, can’t I?
The intensity will continue next week, though my hope is that there will be no more grieving.  That being said, my final exam for this course is on Friday. So yes, this will likely be my last post until that exam is done.  Whatever else, Nursing School is a profound experience.