Careful with sharing. Needing to talk about something that could open a giant can of worms. Taking a risk. These ideas open me up to a risk of rejection. There’s fear there.  For the last few weeks I have realized that I needed to open up a conversation with my family.  That’s not a bad thing. But if you remember back to my ‘Careful With Sharing’ post from the other week, if it’s not an easy conversation, or if it’s a conversation where there is a perceived risk of rejection, I don’t like to be vulnerable. I’ve been preparing for that conversation with my family now for a few weeks.
Realistically speaking I had nothing to worry about. They’re my family. But I still didn’t know how they’d react. So I thought, planned, made dinner plans to see them yesterday when I was in their neighborhood.  I took the earliest opportunity to talk to them. I thought, planned and hoped for the best opportunity.  I received it. Yesterday, going over to my mom and dad’s my mom was alone in the kitchen. My dad wasn’t there yet and my brother was in a different room.  As she was cooking, I had a chance to share what was on my mind. I had the best possible response. My mom was wonderful. I was afraid, that what I had to say would hurt her. That it could cause rifts, or pain, or family difficulties. But it didn’t. She was interested in what I had to say, asked questions, was very supportive and understood my perspective completely. Supports any choices I may make in the future.
My dad too, in many ways, I had the best response possible.  Later on at dinner, I repeated the conversation — this time with my mom’s support (in fact she initiated it since there wasn’t an easy opening for me — thanks mom!). My dad was very clear that he too supports any choices that I may make in the future relating to this conversation.  It was challenging to discuss it on his level — this is very much an emotional feelings type situation for me and my dad is not one to express or focus on emotion at all. It was all about the analytical side of things.  But, he was clear that he will support and stand with me.
My brother, I knew would support, yet I wonder if he understood. He has been in a place of challenges right now. A place of transition. I know he’s stressed out. I know that my choices in this are not his and I don’t know if they ever would be. But I know that he supports. When he heard the news, he just listened.  I wonder how this will impact him. Whether it will drive him to think.  For now, I’m sure it’s not where his head is. He has many other things on his mind and I don’t think he’s ready.
I am relieved. Feeling full of emotions, some of them very unexpected and new, but more peaceful. Partly because now that this conversation is complete I can be more open here about things in my life that have gone on.  I was fearing a type of rejection with this conversation and I was not rejected.  Ah the things that I am dealing with.   I will continue to process. Continue to deal, and hopefully come out the other end a more whole, healthy person.
As to what the conversation was about? That will wait for a later post. A subject on it’s own. But I will share. When I’m ready.