The Stages of Grief…
Christina
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Today is a day that is full of reminders. Ten years ago tonight is the night when I went through my first painful breakup. This guy was the first guy I loved. He broke up with me, but it was mutual. The evening started out well — I’d gone to an awards ceremony for getting on the dean’s list (All A’s in University), it was the first night that this boyfriend and my dad really talked (my dad tended to be pretty quiet around this guy — generally speaking). Later on that night my boyfriend broke up with me. At the time, it was very upsetting, of course, but in some ways I healed quickly. Part of the reasons for healing quickly was that I’d considered breaking up with him a few months earlier but didn’t. Also, we stayed friends. It was, perhaps, harder on him to stay friends than on me — we ended up role reversing our emotions — so I was prepared to be friends. But what was most important to me, I didn’t lose.
When the breakup happened I had no idea what the next 10 years would look like: I met and dated a guy I would have married (looking back I’m glad I didn’t marry him though) — and had my heart fully trampled on, travelled to Europe three times, completed a MSc, re-found some areas of self confidence that was lost, build new friendships and more recently have lost a friendship.
That’s where the stages of grief come in. The friend is the guy from the fall. I’m not interested in him, now, I don’t want to be with him. In fact, I’m trying to guard myself emotionally from the “distraction” of a few weeks ago (though he’s not an option – he’s too far away). But what I do miss is this guy’s friendship — we’ve been friends for a very long time prior to all of this. We have talked and he has apologized and expressed a desire to be friends. He also knows that actions speak louder than words and that after being treated so badly he had to do the work to be my friend. But he hasn’t.
So I’m also in a season of going through The 5 Stages of Grief at the loss of one of my friends:
- Denial — easily throughout the Christmas break, I was denying that the S#$%# was going to hit the fan.
- Anger — at what he said. At being treated like dirt throughout the time we were together. At the loss of the friendship, now that he’s not doing what it takes to prove to me what he said he thinks of me. At the very situation as I had no desire/need to be put in this position. At God for “taunting” me yet again.
- Bargaining — perhaps with God to prove to me that He’s heard me, ever, at all. The ideas I’ve had about sending my friend an email to outline exactly what he needs to do to prove to me that we’re friends is me ‘bargaining’. Then I realized that I was doing exactly this so I’m trying to process and move on and specifically not do that.
- Depression — not so much, per se, but definite sadness at the loss, and I have moments, for sure. But I realized that most of my life is stressful right now and I’m having to work to maintain my emotional equilibrium — running’s helped a lot. And not having some favourite routines doesn’t help — like no longer going to Sunday Breakfast. I’m not dealing with the loss of the relationship, as I’ve mentioned I’m not there, I’ve moved on. But the sadness at not having those friends — more than just the one, too — to talk to, to go for walks, to hang out. That makes me sad. Not having the friend to talk career options during this time of work stress, rant about family challenges or listen to me vent about my car crap. I miss that and it makes me sad.
- Acceptance — I’m not there yet. I will get there, but I’m still wavering between the other stages still. I have times of acceptance, but it’s not consistent. When ‘distraction’ was here I did accept, felt comfortable and enjoyed it. I even forgot about all this, it was a relaxing and fun time. But then, I remember that the ‘distraction’ can only be that because though he’s kind, respectful, fun and even called me on Valentine’s Day (that was a HUGE pleasant surprise), life directions don’t match right now so just distraction is where it stays.
So as today ends, what does tomorrow bring? My new ring. A new beginning. I hope that eventually I will meet a guy who’s local who knows how to treat a woman with kindness and respect — and who can show me that he values me. I don’t want to be the princess on the pedestal but respect, kindness, yes. Loved. I hope that in the next 10 years I will have a family. My career sorted out. A home that I own. With this night of distraction here, I’m thinking. I’m not sad or griving the loss of 10 years ago, more ‘remembering’. Reflecting on where I’ve come — I’m not the same person as back then. Thinking about where I’m at. It makes me wonder what I’ll think about this season as I look back in 10 years.
Melanie
Chris, many many hugs. I’m really glad to see this post.
About acceptance … recall our conversation about forgiveness? Think there may be some parallels between the nature of forgiveness and the nature of acceptance?
Hang in there!
Melanie
Chris, many many hugs. I’m really glad to see this post.
About acceptance … recall our conversation about forgiveness? Think there may be some parallels between the nature of forgiveness and the nature of acceptance?
Hang in there!
Melanie
Chris, many many hugs. I’m really glad to see this post.
About acceptance … recall our conversation about forgiveness? Think there may be some parallels between the nature of forgiveness and the nature of acceptance?
Hang in there!
oasis1223
Hey Hon,
Thanks. I do agree and have been thinking about that and think it’s tied into all of this. Perhaps it’s even more intimately linked than parallel. I have offered and explained (briefly) my views on forgiveness, but I do also acknowledge that though I do choose forgiveness constantly, particularly before we meet — it’s still a conscious choice. That’s a process that’s not yet ‘complete’.
oasis1223
Hey Hon,
Thanks. I do agree and have been thinking about that and think it’s tied into all of this. Perhaps it’s even more intimately linked than parallel. I have offered and explained (briefly) my views on forgiveness, but I do also acknowledge that though I do choose forgiveness constantly, particularly before we meet — it’s still a conscious choice. That’s a process that’s not yet ‘complete’.
oasis1223
Hey Hon,
Thanks. I do agree and have been thinking about that and think it’s tied into all of this. Perhaps it’s even more intimately linked than parallel. I have offered and explained (briefly) my views on forgiveness, but I do also acknowledge that though I do choose forgiveness constantly, particularly before we meet — it’s still a conscious choice. That’s a process that’s not yet ‘complete’.
Grumpy. « The Chronicles of Christina… on this Journey called Life…
[…] acknowledge me. I had great dances, a lot of fun. But I know that as I was recently describing in this post I’m still grieving the loss of friendship. And I’m in a grumpy mood because of it. […]
Grumpy. « The Chronicles of Christina… on this Journey called Life…
[…] acknowledge me. I had great dances, a lot of fun. But I know that as I was recently describing in this post I’m still grieving the loss of friendship. And I’m in a grumpy mood because of it. […]
Grumpy. « The Chronicles of Christina… on this Journey called Life…
[…] acknowledge me. I had great dances, a lot of fun. But I know that as I was recently describing in this post I’m still grieving the loss of friendship. And I’m in a grumpy mood because of it. […]
Kathryn
I think it’s great that you’re familiar with the stages of grief and can recognize where you’re at with them and where you’ve been in the past. Knowing this about ourselves helps us to realize that what we’re going through is normal (when it can sometimes feel crazy) and realizing we’ve been there before helps us realize that we’ll get through it again. Here’s to new beginnings!
Kathryn
I think it’s great that you’re familiar with the stages of grief and can recognize where you’re at with them and where you’ve been in the past. Knowing this about ourselves helps us to realize that what we’re going through is normal (when it can sometimes feel crazy) and realizing we’ve been there before helps us realize that we’ll get through it again. Here’s to new beginnings!
Kathryn
I think it’s great that you’re familiar with the stages of grief and can recognize where you’re at with them and where you’ve been in the past. Knowing this about ourselves helps us to realize that what we’re going through is normal (when it can sometimes feel crazy) and realizing we’ve been there before helps us realize that we’ll get through it again. Here’s to new beginnings!
The 100 Mile Challenge… Hmmm… « The Chronicles of Christina… on this Journey called Life…
[…] I bought shoes. I need to do what I can to process and deal with where I’m at. I know the Stages of Grief. I know that in this area of my life, this area of grief, I’m in stage 4. Stage 5 sometimes, […]
The 100 Mile Challenge… Hmmm… « The Chronicles of Christina… on this Journey called Life…
[…] I bought shoes. I need to do what I can to process and deal with where I’m at. I know the Stages of Grief. I know that in this area of my life, this area of grief, I’m in stage 4. Stage 5 sometimes, […]