As I sit here looking at the insanity of recent weeks, I’m trying to figure out what to do, how to proceed. And I don’t know the answer.  Sometimes I just wish someone could make the decision for me. No, that’s not true. I do want to make the decisions myself, but sometimes, as much as I do appreciate the independent life that I have, I wish I had support.
Because to be honest, talking to friends, or family is helpful, but it would be nice to make a decision together with a partner.  To be able look at  a riskier path as easier because that support is there. I’m not saying that my friends or family don’t support me, or aren’t willing to listen as I ponder these decisions, that’s not it at all. I guess what I’m lamenting at the moment is a lack of partnership. A lack of a guy in my life who I can support and who can support me. Someone who is impacted by my decisions because it’s ‘our life’ together. As it is, anyone I talk to isn’t impacted by my decision (some would argue my family would be — but I don’t like being financially tied to them, so I try to keep that disconnected), they can offer advice but they aren’t impacted if I take off to another city, or change my career path, or the like.
Because things have been nuts, this week especially. I like my life. I’d be comfortable where I’m at career-wise if my personal life was on a more ‘traditional’ path. But the reality is, I would really love to take off right now, work wherever I want in the world and live a life of adventure. I’m tired of sitting around and waiting for the ‘traditional’ path to materialize.
I know I have to make some decisions. I need to do what I need to reach where I want to be. I’m not even sure I know where that is, though anymore.  I know I am stressed about things like finances and knowing that I am not recession-proof, am facing salary caps that are overwhelming as is, and faced with the long-term realization that I am facing a big glass ceiling in my current career path.  But is this enough? To take the risk? To switch my path?  And decisions do have to be made — there are things that I’m facing that have deadlines. And I intended to have it straightened out by the end of last year, but I don’t. Not really. I know the direction I’m leaning but it’s not certain. I suppose I have to see what the other forks and doors are before taking the steps forward. Again, related to the passworded profile (ask me for the password if you want it).
Does any of this make sense? I’m vaguely rambling about things because I don’t feel comfortable being blunt when it’s in a forum that could be read by my employer or the like.   I guess this is all related to my one goal: that my life will look different at the end of 2009 than at the end of 2008.