Three years old, or maybe four. I was wearing a floor length dress. Standing on stage, beside the piano, I remember looking out and seeing my parents in the audience.  My teacher (a woman with light blond straight shoulder length hair) was playing the piano accompanying me as I played “Twinkle Little Star” on the violin.  After I was finished playing, I received a little bag with popcorn (it might have been a popcorn ball — I can’t remember which).
That was probaby not my earliest memory, but it is definitely an early memory. Tonight, I sat it my seat at The Chan Centre, listening to the VSO and I had a number of thoughts flooding my mind. My vague early memories of playing the violin as I sat there alone listening to the VSO perform Muffat’s “Concerto grosso No. 12 in G Major” came flooding back to me.  I was at the VSO as a family Christmas gift. My brother had bought each of us tickets to this performance.  So why was I sitting there alone? They all got stuck in traffic so didn’t get there until the second piece.  While I was there alone I was struck by how I don’t like going to movies alone. Or out to any sort of event. I have been to a movie once by myself. I was babysitting for friends and they decided to come home early — so they gave me their movie tickets and I went by myself.
But other than that, it’s not something I want, or like to do.   Sitting at the concert, I realized that the concert is also in that same realm — of not wanting to be there alone — and I briefy lamented my single status, because if I were in some kind of stable relationship I wouldn’t have been sitting there alone.  I pushed that thought out of my mind though, because I was already feeling a little melancholy, and I didn’t need to go there right then.  But, I was glad that I had the chance to spend the evening with my family.  I realized I haven’t had much time with them lately — I’ve been cocooning a little bit.
Anyhow, they arrived after the first piece and the rest of the concert was fantastic. After the concert, my brother had to go to a birthday party, so just my parents and I went for dessert.  It was nice to visit with them, but we really didn’t talk deeply, though I did take an opportunity as we were leaving to let them know what I was pondering — what the different forks were that I was facing. Of course, my dad blurted out his opinion without finding out my thoughts or the reasons why the forks are before me. This is why I don’t talk to him about things. Why he can’t help me decide or support me as I consider my options. Because it’s all motivated by money. He’d rather see me employed in a secure position that’s poorly paid and with a ceiling because it’s ‘secure’ and it’s a job,  than to have me take a risk and change my path even if the prospects in the future are better.  He’d even rather I leave this city, move for a job I am not interested in if it pays well.
So I decided to come home. I’m not particularly frustrated, because things are the way they are. He’s not a good listener, he doesn’t know how to listen with empathy and support, and he only sees the world in black and white. And I know that. I didn’t share these things during dessert because I know these things. But I did want to present them so that if I should suddenly decide to leave, or change paths (assuming options and paths present itself), it wont be a total shock.
But it did remind me of what I posted the other day — what’s been on my mind. So for now, I’m going to sleep. I’m going to run again in the morning, and I’m going to to hopefully gain better perspective over the next little while.  I’m going to go to breakfast with different friends and I’m looking forward to the change in tradition. I miss my usual breakfast friends, and I hope that one day things with the rollercoaster idiot will return to normal friendship so that I can rejoin them. But for now, alternate plans are better.