Things are as clear as mud. Work is stressful and this is only going to increase. I need to sort things out.  The reality is that I’ve received a lot of feedback and opinions from different people. And I don’t know if relaxing and giving up on all options until I need to decide would be wiser — and less stressful — or if facing it now makes it easier.
Actually, the reality is that I can’t help but face these decisions now because they are present and one will impact the others.  And the more I speak with different people the more I am reminded of all the options that I’ve wrestled with in recent days. Options I’ve thought of and tossed away. Options I’m reminded of yet again. One of those options I have discarded for one simple reason: I want to get married and have a family one day.
So I am raising the question: should I add that option back to the mix and consider it too? Marriage and family doesn’t seem to be happening. Assuming I am able to pursue the option I’m thinking of, it would give me more time — one more year — before it happened.  But it would take longer. I’d be older when it’s done. I’ve known people to do this option and still have kids — though it’s tough and the year of mat leave just extends the option.  I’d have to write an exam ASAP, and get paperwork together. But it’s do-able, assuming all things are approved. It would also take care of one concern that was raised yesterday, and was valid. One thing that is important to me is to affect change in healthcare — either at an individual level or on a broader scale.
The individual level is why one option is before me. But it’s been pointed out that it may not be the right place to do that — less control and ability to affect change. But perhaps the option that I’ve been constantly tossing out due to the family priority is the one that would be beneficial.  But since that doesn’t seem to be happening perhaps I should reconsider. I used to be stressed that I’d finish around 40 if I did it.  I am still stressed that I’d be 40, but if I’m going to be stuck in this single lifestyle does it really matter?  It’s not like I have the family deadline that I had before. Without this option I doubt retirement will be early and with this option I likely wouldn’t either.  I know that mat leave is possible both during the immediate option and longer term… so maybe it doesn’t mean that I’m giving up family by pursuing this direction.
The drawback is that it would take a minimum of a year from now to get that option going so it would mean:
1. giving up one of my immenent options — the one I was referring to that I do have to decide about.
2. exam prep in the evenings — possible classes to prepare
3. It will delay things so I’ll be 34, almost 35 before that starts which means I’ll be 38 before I finish and 40 before I am 100% done. YIKES.
4. On the bright side it will give me more time now to prepare, pay off bills, perhaps explore one of the other options that is before me.
The other option is one I’m trying not to think too much about.  It’s one that isn’t clearly an option.  It could easily become one very soon, but as it’s a different job, it’s not one I’m going to set hopes or not on until I am presented with an offer. It also would be a huge change because it would mean moving across the country.  It would be stable. It would be substantially better paid than what I’m getting now which would be important. Moving would mean giving up the running community that I love, but it would also be a chance to get away from some of the personal life stuff here that I find difficult.  It would be a chance for a new start.   And, if I decided to go forward with either healthcare option I could.  Option a — the one that’s a definite option that I must decide on could remain an option,  could always cancel it at the last minute (that’s always the case). Option b — I’d be preparing for it at the same time as doing this option, if I decide to do this.
So I don’t know. My mind has been whirling with options. Plans. Thoughts. Where do I want my life to go what do I want to do.  And I am completely confused.  The only thing I know for sure is that the stresses at work aren’t worth the pay that I get. I could deal with work as it is if I could go home and relax and enjoy my life without being permanently stressed out about my finances.
Some help with direction and guidance would be good. Perhaps I need to think about career counselling. And soon…