I’m often wondering these days about my life’s direction.  I seem to be able to get exactly what I don’t want.  A couple of years ago I had a job interview in Toronto. At the time, I really wanted the job. I really wanted my life to shift (sound familiar — same desire as now). I was quite disappointed when that job didn’t work out. I was hoping for that change, wanting to establish a new life a new community.  At the time I was quite surrounded by friends and community then, but for a number of reasons I wanted to move and built a new life, new roots.  What happened? I got stability, permanence. A new community, a full rich life here at home. I generally like my life. I like the new community, the roots, the connections, the friends and family.  The life I have now is what I want. With one big exception.
Yet now I am being faced with the same thing, possibly the chance to move to Toronto. Yet this time I don’t want to go. I like my life here, with certain exceptions.  And the reality is, I’m still in flux. I’m trying not to step on the rollercoaster, but it’s not always possible.  Tonight was a bit rollercoaster-y for me. I made sure to go to the dance class, had a great time, flirted with a ‘safe’ (but definitely hot) guy. I decided that I needed to take space tonight because I was feeling badly, partly because of inaction, words and the situation.  I think my point was clear, moping happened and not by me.
I’m tired of this and hurt, and a bit sad. And there are a couple of directions things could go. I don’t want to move, I want the job and life I have here, but if things collapse, and if I get offered the job — even if I don’t love it, just to get out and away. Because I can’t extricate myself without leaving. Which sucks.
It’s probably good I disappeared quickly because I think I would have yelled.