Have you ever had those times when you know you would love to put on the face, the mask? That light-hearted ‘I’m delighted with the world’ image that we all often present to the world when we’re really hurting. I am hurting and it’s hard to put on that image of delight. It doesn’t mean I’m not happy to be involved in events; I’m delighted and honoured.  But I’m also in pain.  My ribs are feeling mostly better (though my back is aching, I think I’ve lost some strength in my back, all I did was carry out garbage — it’s not rib pain though it’s muscle strain).  But I am in emotional pain. I’ll find out if I’m better after the wedding, and I’ll hopefully be back to running so hopefully I can release some of this stress and manage things better.  So right now it’s impossible to put on that face, that mask of ‘all is great’ and it’s hard when people I’m closest to just strike rather than support.  But tomorrow I’m going to try and I will do my best to succeed — to put on that smiley face, that face of joy — the expression I want remembered because this pain is transient. I hope.

But the pain continues — much of the pain and loss is the loss of a close friend. The ‘together’ part is minor compared to the loss of a friend, though the loss of a potential is sad, the loss of someone I’m so close to is more acute at the moment. I know at other times the other pain is more acute, but for now that’s not it.  Yet I know I haven’t really lost it, I could have it back. But could I really? The more I go along the more I don’t believe it’s likely that men and women can be close friends — not in the way we are. were? are. So if I step back into that arena I’ll face loss again later.  But, again, I think it’s worth the risk because I’m not convinced that the conversation is 100% dead, unless I decide it’s 100% dead.

So I face pain. Intensity of the season and minimal support. Yet I called one of my closest girl friends, we had a long chat tonight, she has been a great support this last while. Thankfully, she also supports some thoughts I’ve had on how to process and deal, and as I move forward with those ideas I will be able to resume a normal life. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Because I’m in pain right now, and I miss…

So now I’m ready to finish prepping for the morning, doing some clean up and then I am going to sleep…