When i think of what I’ve been considering and processing tonight. Life, directions, ‘the call’. What are you called to? What is it to be called to something? I was called to something, once. Just once. Well twice, but once in the traditional sense, perhaps… This once that I’m thinking about was a 3 week mission’s trip to Rwanda. It was while I was job hunting when I got my last job. I felt that soul, gut ‘need’ to go. But I was scared. It was Rwanda. 2004 it was, I think, more or less stable, but just. I would say that I’d felt called to go. My response was one of fear.  I decided that if I had a job/interviews I’d skip it as I was starting a new job, and if not, I’d go.
It was a bit of a cop out as I had a lot of interviews. I ended up not going.  I don’t believe in dwelling in the past, and I try to live my life with ‘no regrets’ as a part of living in the present and looking towards the future.  I don’t know that I could have made a different choice at that time.  Now, definitely. I’d hop on the first plane out of here.  But be that as it may. The call. Perhaps it could described as that sense that it’s something you must do. Simply must.
I’ve rarely felt that. I don’t about my career. I haven’t ever felt that call with ministries I used to do at church — I did them because I like to be involved, they needed doing and it’s something I was good at. But a call? No not at all.  But the idea of being called to something is resonating with me right now, and I am working out how to handle it in light of my life.
Last Friday, we were at my dear friend’s Stagette. And, ironically enough we were split into two groups of four (two tables pushed together). We had one cluster of married/about to be married and one cluster of ‘completely single (or about to be)’. One woman in our end of the table called out to the married women and asked “What’s a good reason to get married?” My friend who was there, the one in that group who’s been married the longest (10.5 years! I didn’t know I was old enough to have a peer be married that long — we graduated high school together) called out an answer. She said ‘because you’re called to it’.  That really hit me, because as I have been dealing with the resurfacing of broken dreams over these past few weeks, I’ve realized that that is perhaps part of my core struggle — that I feel called, it’s not being filled and I don’t know how to process all that.  It was reassuring to have it affirmed by what my friend said.
I have been sad about the loss of a friend — and certainly  it wont be as it was, it can’t — but, really, the grief and stress I’m feeling isn’t directed towards that guy — not primarily (which, as an aside, is why I was able — and ready —  to re-establish communication). The grief and stress comes primarily because I would describe what my dreams are as a sense of ‘call’.  That thing that you simply must do because it’s a part of who you are. And in this case, as this dream is one of ‘family’, I don’t have much control over that. Which is stressful, to say the least.
How does one relinquish something you are called to do? I have spent the last year of my life trying to figure that out because waiting and hoping is simply too painful.  Recently I was reminded of that hope and I need to re-learn to live my life again. And so, I will train for my second maraton. I will join the clinic again. I will do those things that delight me and I will live each day. I will seek change so that this time next year my life will be radically different.  I have no idea how, it just will be. It must. It can’t stay the same. Absolutely not.
So what does this have to do with irony? I was telling a friend today, that I realize that this ‘call’  of family, is not an easy life. I know that. I see my dear friend Mel as a single mom with her son and I don’t know that I could do it. I see partnered couples still having sleepless nights as they balance everything.  I know that as a single woman living close to downtown I am surrounded by the ideal, selfish, wonderful life. And I would give it up in a second. Without the fear that made me hide from that other sense of call. But that’s not a choice I have right now.
So that’s the irony. I am here, processing and dealing, learning how to face my dreams, my call, yet trying to live without them. It’s not a patient or a happy process, but the reality is that I must. I have no choice. And as I’m doing this, a guy starts chatting with me on facebook. This is a guy from high school. I suspect I was being vaguely ‘facebook hit on’.  There are a lot of photos online of dance or running events. He was telling me how I must have such a fun ‘wonderful life’.
And he’s right, I do. Yet, I’d give it all up to fill that sense of call. Even dancing — I was talking to another friend of mine about this too and she was cautioning me to be aware that I should be cautious about getting invovled with a guy who doesn’t dance — given how important it is to me. And she’s right, that’s the highest thing on my ‘I really hope he has’ list. It’s not on the must have list though, because I would throw it all away. In a heartbeat.  I think I blogged about this months ago, actually. You can read it here.
Ah the irony…