This is the only way to describe my evening. I have been on a dance moratorium for the last little bit, and have plans to remain away for the month of December.
So I made plans with my girlfriend who’s getting married next weekend. We had a quiet evening involving knitting (I did, anyways), pizza (YUM) and watching Hancock. Exactly the kind of film I needed last night.
I’ve been in a pretty emotional place lately, my heart is bruised but it’s healing, my spirit is crushed and I don’t know how that is going to recover — not quickly at least, my body is hurt and I feel just ‘blah’ because I can’t exercise so I have no outlet. Knitting is, well, helpful but I still feel gross as it doesn’t exactly burn the calories!! So I more or less dumped — quite bluntly I might add — most of what’s going on inside onto my friend after the movie last night.  At a very sad, emotional state of mind, I left her place and headed home. But on my way I had to stop at the dance.
I am not supposed to be around.  I told him I was disappearing until January. But I didn’t know how else to pay for the dance classes I want to take in January (it was my last available night to see the class organizer before the payment ‘deadline’).  So I attempted to just show up, pay and then leave again — I’d seen him off dancing when I’d arrived.  I ended up sitting out in the front entrance chatting with a girlfriend about life. She doesn’t know anything about who caused the heart bruises or even that he’s a dancer but we talked more about the spiritual effects.
The guy ended up helping another guy go out — past the entrance where we were sitting.  He joined us and asked me how I was doing. I knew he was asking more deeply than my back pain, and I answered honestly — that I’m in a lot of pain, and since it’s true for many levels it works. He then spent the rest of the time I was there, near me. He still danced, but it felt like most times I’d turn around he’d be there.  Just as I was leaving he asked me if I was going to go to breakfast this morning (as I always do). But I said ‘no’: I had plans with my friends to celebrate her birthday. I know he finds it hard to ask for what he wants, so I get what he was doing so I suggested he come with us, though I also know that he wouldn’t change his plans.
It made me sad to see him like that (morose and sad).  It made me smile because it spoke volumes. It made me a bit angry that he’s like that yet not stepping up.  It made me sad because I miss him.  It hurt because I’m bruised and raw.  And it also, strangely, relaxed me because it’s a hint that while things are the way they are, things aren’t yet finalized and resolved — I’m not wanting to find ‘hope’ where I shouldn’t, but not resolved is okay. I did want to scream “IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS!”
While I was sitting at the entrance, two of my longtime friends walked in.  Both guys are from back in my grad school days. They’re friends from IVCF. Actually, one guy was in the same lab as I was in for my MSc (he did a PhD).  It was fantastic to see them. Interestingly enough, they’re 1/2 of two of the couples I’d want to know boy should we ever get together — specifically because of our history and long friendship (even if it’s not very recent in terms of hanging out).  One of the guys is an old boyfriend. We broke up a decade ago.    There’s absolutely no hard feelings, in the least. I can’t emphasize that enough. But, the thing is, he completely broke my heart when we broke up. I can’t tell you how hard and how quickly I fell in love with him and my heart was really really crushed and broken.  We had a terrible break up — nasty all around.    It took  years to work through and resolve. Years before we could really be friends. It’s do-able and it takes work.
But that’s what makes this weekend surreal. Last night I had boy two feet away from me looking morose and seemingly missing me for much of the time I was there, I had the last guy I fell in love with there for the stag. Then this morning at church I had the guy from a couple of years ago (other blog posts I will eventually transfer to this site) there. We’re also fine, but I still felt it was important to look and act my best. Which I was.  At least as well as I can be given I can’t run.
So it was a surreal weekend starting with a work christmas party (dangerous to have the party — and drinking — start at noon), a Saturday of recovery, a Surreal Saturday night and Sunday morning.
This afternoon was dim sum to celebrate a friend’s birthday, and then I went to a craft store to try and find yarn for a project I want to start.   I wasn’t successful, but I have a better idea of what I want to do for the project. Tonight it’s been a quiet night, conversations and the like and now I’m ready to go to bed. I hope my back keeps improving. It was quite painful this morning but it’s been okay this afternoon.  So now it’s time for me to clean up and get to bed.  I hope I’m pain free tomorrow and maybe I can go back to pilates and maybe even a short walk run. Just to test the lungs out…
A song that relates…
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=109SsHM0TCw]