Have you ever felt like you know that life is changing? Things in my life are in flux. There’s nothing obviously different, but as a friend said to me (about my life) in an email today “I have been feeling like everything is massively shifting”. I have started to feel like my life is really shifting. I don’t know how it’s going to be different but I feel as though my life in 2009 will look very different than it does right now.
I often use the analogy of a path when thinking of my life, but right now I feel like I’ve entered a room. I’m just at the entrance and there are multiple exit doors. The room is pretty big and the doors are far enough away that I can’t tell which doors are real, which doors are just painted frescoes, which doors are real but locked and which door is real and unlocked.
I hate this place. I am fine dealing with what is known, good or bad, I find it stressful not knowing where things are at. Things feel like nothing is actually different, but I’m at that phase that is about to shift. What’s frustrating is that I don’t have control over much of this change. When it involves other people, I guess I have to learn to release control.
I was talking with a friend last night and I was pretty vague about what the changes were, this friend knows me, and may even read this blog (not sure though), but we were talking about life and I mentioned some gossip about friends in Seattle that eventually may mean we wont be able to stay there as often. It made me think, too, about my life. One door could take me much more frequently to Seattle – but this door may be locked, or a fresco. Another door could keep me in Vancouver with a reduction in my trips to Seattle. This door is the one that I hope is the unlocked door — if I can be patient enough to wait for it to be presented to me. But it might be locked.  Yet another door could keep me here but could lead to me being a student again.  This door is separate from the others I have been referring to, and is unlocked, I just can’t see beyond it, so I don’t know if it’s one I should walk through it — or not.  Another door was presented to me today that could take me away from this area altogether.
This last door is related to the test I took last June and I’ve received information that could lead to a job and all the cities are well far away from here. The other doors were more personal or my work-related doors don’t affect the personal doors. This door would transform my life entirely.
So do I know what 2009 looks like? No. I have guesses what the doors are, but I suspect that there also could be another door or a combination of the doors that will really be the ones that open. But I have a hard time being patient. I have no choice, though.
So this frustrating week has ended, and I’m going to keep going with my usual intent of choosing to do each day what I need to be happy. And tonight, I’m going to go with my continuous backup plan — and I will enjoy it because it’s a good start to a very long weekend. Hopefully this time of flux will come to an end before too long and I will try to find the enjoyment in this season. I haven’t found it yet, but it must be here, right?