Will it ever end? The knot in my back feels like a knife and I really need a massage. And that’s how I feel sometimes in my heart — like there’s a huge knife there. Yet somehow I need to figure out how to be normal. Not that I even know what that means anymore.  These past few days have been rough.  I don’t know how much of this flux and uncertainty I can handle.  Feeling shut out, uncertain of my place in any area of my life.
In many ways my life has been great lately. I have little to complain about and I’m feeling more secure and happy than I’ve felt in a long time. Yet things got rocked. And I have to walk through this flux as much as it feels like there’s a knife in my heart — I have no choice because this season has to be had. The “why” I don’t know… But to be more raw and honest than I’ve been to date about my ‘processing’, I feel like I’ve lost one of my dearest friends.
I’m grieving and trying to do it quietly because I’ve lost what I had and I have no idea what the future will bring. And it hurts. It hurts because even if the future is better than the past, in the “now” I’m both not a source of support and don’t have my own source of support where I’m used to having it. And it’s killing me.
I had a counseling session tonight.  We talked in detail about this situation I’ve been talking circles around lately.  And to find ‘normal’ I need to act normal even if it’s not a two way street. That’s tough because it feels like I’m just going to get myself hurt and that seems counter intuitive.  But, for this flux to find grounding and stability, I need to be grounded and ‘normal’.
So, as I value and respect my counselor and recognize how she’s helped me through some rough waters this year, I will heed her advice and figure out how to be normal. For the moment, though, it really hurts. I didn’t want to be in this place. I really didn’t. And I’m also pretty angry that I’m here. In this place.
So, I’m going to go and do some cathartic cleaning…