Tonight I had a lovely evening seeing Twelfth Night at Bard on the Beach. I went with a few friends of mine, and unintentionally met up with another friend of mine. It was an evening full of delight and laughter. It definitely made me smile and it was a fun relaxing evening.

After, one of my friends and I went for a walk, and got talking about life.  Some of it came because one of my dearest friends got engaged yesterday (I’m thrilled, by the way — but I wont say any more, yet, as I don’t know if this friend is finished telling everyone yet), some of it came from the stress and intensity of the other week.  And that’s where the title “I don’t compete” comes in. I have a habit of hiding how I feel, of not showing it, trying to minimize it. This is on many levels, but right now I’m thinking particularly about relationships. When there’s ‘risk’ I don’t want to take it.

That being said, I am trying to learn how to be more honest and open and able to let guys know what I think.  But, I will not compete. 90% of the time, if I am aware that there’s a competition, I back off.  Thinking back, even to the post on July 18th, was somewhat related. The guys I was noticing surrounded by women are guys I wouldn’t necessarily date at this point in time (and some are a 100% absolute never), one of the reasons I would not jump in there and join in is the same idea: I DON’T COMPETE — even when from my perspective the guy’s just a friend… I’ll still back off.

This past weekend. I went to a blues party in Seattle, and I was particularly conscious of this idea, and I was chatting with a guy I’ve met once or twice (but don’t really know), he had his arm around my shoulders at that point. While we were chatting, a girl walks up and gives off those signals that women can give off that say ‘back off, he’s mine’. I won’t compete, so I left them to it and danced with someone else (awesome dance it was too, by the way… yay good yummy Seattle blues…). It turns out they weren’t dating.

Yet this is all well and good, but it seems that sometimes it’s inevitable.  There’s the friend code, of course, but it seems that sometimes, when there are so few men around who are ready and available for a good relationship, paying attention to that code too much means that no one would ever date. So that means, for me, being willing to take the risk, be more open. And sometimes, it’s going to backfire.

I suppose what this comes down to… there’s a game out there being played, and I apparently need to re-learn how to play it, backfire or no.  And maybe that means competition (though I hope not), but I still won’t initiate a competition, nor do I want it. But I wont run scared from it. Not anymore.