It sounds crazy, to wish for rain on the night of your favourite dance venue — an outdoor, summer, sunshine only venue. But tonight I did. Yet I couldn’t bear to leave. The bright side? Getting to hang with a friend in town from Germany — who’s also sadly leaving soon.
I’m tired of feeling this way, wishing I were someplace or even someone else. Trying to move yet being stuck. Wanting change yet not able to find it. Stuck between doing something you love, and not loving doing that same thing here (yet having moments of loving it and remembering that feeling so well that U can’t help but keep trying to find it). Added to that, funds are limited which means it is impossible to get to the place where I do love doing it all the time — at least as often as I would like.
Clear as mud? Muddy is a good descriptor right now. Because only 30% of how I’m feeling has anything to do with this directly. It mostly has to do with yesterday’s intensity. Perhaps not escaping the intensity at the venue is due to the 30%, but 70% of my mood is due to the un-described intensity.
What do I need right now? Someone to give me a back rub until I fall asleep, or just hold me close and let me be messy.  Since neither is going to happen I’m going to watch a movie — or start one, at least.